Waiting for the machine to stop

I fasted for the month of Ramadan. Here is what it was like.

by | Jun 7, 2020 | right livelihoods

NB. I wrote this post in 2019, which was my first time fasting Ramadan, and updated it in 2020, after my second time fasting Ramadan. I am now a seasoned pro. (Not.) I still have so much to learn. We all do. Ask me on April 11th how its going now.

Clock. Topkapi Palace, Istanbul.
My partner is Muslim heritage and since we had a child, has focused more and more on his faith and the practice of Islam. Fasting for Ramadan is an important part of this. For a few years now I had seen him struggle to fast alone, and I knew how important it was to him, so I decided to do it with him. For the past two years we have been staying in Istanbul for Ramadan and we have fasted together. I was curious; I wanted to offer moral support; but also I became aware that you need to change your daily rhythms to succeed, and this is best done as a family.
 
The rules of Ramadan are that you fast during the day between sunrise and sunset for thirty days. Fasting means nothing shall pass your lips, be it food, drink, cigarettes, gum, toothpaste, during daylight hours. You are also supposed to abstain from sexual relations and try to be as pure as possible in your thoughts and actions. Ultimately, by stripping you, Ramadan is a time for reflection and connection: spiritually, but also tuning in to your relationships with others.
 
The tradition is to eat a large breakfast (‘Suhour’) before sunrise (at this time in Istanbul this meant before 4am) and then ‘Iftar’ supper came at around 8.30pm, after sunset. We stocked the fridge and freezer with food and prepared some meals the week before, anticipating that it would be hard to shop and cook when you are hungry and feeling weak. We expected to be desperately hungry and tired all the time, and we planned to nap a lot and put off as many commitments as we could. We carried out research and consulted my father-in-law for recommendations on what to eat and when, in order to gain slow release energy during the day, and so you don’t get indigestion when sleeping. Last year we were fortunate, as we were not working at the time. The following year we faced Ramadan in partial lockdown, with remote working to do online, and no childcare. At least we had had a previous practice run…

Here is what it was like:

Physically, tiredness was the hardest thing. When going to bed late; getting up in the night to cook and eat; and then getting up early in the morning with a young child, the tiredness feels a bit like the relentlessly broken-sleep in the early days of having a newborn baby. Without being able to lean on coffee. The following year, under lockdown, I found ways to doze in the morning while my son watched children’s TV and to nap in the afternoon while he played in his room. Last year I took him to nursery and went back to sleep. I am not sure how I would fare if I had to go to work all day and napping was not an option. My hat goes off to those who do.

I woke every morning with a dry mouth. Initially it was unbearable, mainly because I thought it would last all day, but I soon realised it does not last, and everyday, within about half an hour, my mouth felt quite normal. And as long as I didn’t exert too much energy, thirst was kept at bay. I was surprised at how mild thirst goes away if you ignore it. We were fortunate that the weather was not so hot  and I did not have a physical job to do.
Interestingly, hunger was the least of my worries. I was surprised how (ensuring I ate lots of protein at suhour) I did not suffer too much from hunger. I was surprised, again, that if I ignored hunger (or did not feed it) it kind of went away. Well it didn’t so much go away, but it didn’t get worse. It was a kind of nagging feeling (the ‘I really should eat something’ feeling), but if you got on with something else, it faded or took a back seat. As days passed, however, hunger seemed to be cumulative and I started to feel empty. More empty. Until it was really quite hard to ignore by sunset.
My partner and I were both quite irritable and short tempered during the day, especially by 8pm in the evening, where an argument would often blow up, and so we tended to stay out of each other’s way. While reflection was definitely on the cards, connection was much harder, and this tended to happen when we came together in the evening after we had broken our fast and could relax a bit more.

Here is what I learnt:

Fasting for Ramadan made me so grateful for simple pleasures. What I craved the most, all day, was a glass of water and some fresh fruit. And then when I ate and drank those things, I was satiated. I became tuned in to the simple pleasures.

I became aware of every morsel of my son’s food that he rejected and I threw away during the day. I looked at it longingly. This made me more grateful for the food we have, and more aware of the waste we create, and it made me aware that I give too much choice and leniency to my son’s eating habits. Basically I became acutely aware of our abundance and excesses, and the ways in which he was subconsciously learning this way of being.
I found I was starkly aware of my addictions. I did not really drink alcohol much any more, and I’d given up smoking, so these obvious addictions were not a problem, but what I refer to are other, more banal, addictions: mine are caffeine, in the form of coffee and Coca Cola; and sugar in the form of sweets and chocolate. During Ramadan, coffee just disappeared out my life because it had no function (I didn’t want one by 9pm at night and I certainly didn’t want one at 4am). Snacks took a back seat as I was so overjoyed by fruit salad. Ramadan helped me to recognise these dependencies: stare them in the face and make choices to change these behaviours.
 
I was acutely aware of how eating and meals structure your day. When they are missing you feel real loss, regardless of whether you are hungry or thirsty. Mornings are incredibly strange with no coffee, no breakfast and not even a glass of water. In the beginning, as I sat on the bus on the way home from taking my son to nursery school, I felt the emptiness enter as I realised I didn’t have anything particular planned that day.  Not only did I have nothing planned, but I was not going to get in and have a cup of tea; I was not going to make myself and my partner breakfast; I was not going to pop out for lunch; I was not going to have my mid-afternoon coffee. It was very strange. It made me panic a little, deep down: ‘I am just going to have nothing all day.’ I thought. ‘That’s it. A long nothing. Just nothing’. I was beginning to wish I had to go to work. At least then, there would be some structure to the day. This then made me aware of the arbitrariness of the routine of work. In the beginning I slept a lot to deal with the emptyness, I think. But perpetually sleeping didn’t really help my mood, because it felt like Groundhog Day: every time I woke it was the same: dry mouth and hunger.
 
Gradually, the absence of these taken-for-granted routines, of eating and meals, felt quite meditative. I observed the emptiness. I felt safe in the knowledge that thousands of other people out there were doing the same and feeling the same. And that it would be ok.
 
I was conscious of how my down-mood might be felt by my son who didn’t really understand or notice that mummy and daddy weren’t eating, so I did my best to be brave and in lifted-spirits with him. I felt hyper-aware in this state. Not in a way that felt like I was faking my good spirits, but, strangely, just being aware of my mood, and how it might affect others, improved my mood. I was aware of my mood and producing my mood, rather than it being just something that happens to me. I guess this gave me a glimpse of what it means to be in the moment. Something that I am usually not at all good at.
 
When we went out and interacted with others on the bus, on the street, in the shops, my partner and I talked about how it felt like you could tell who else was fasting as well (and who was not): there was a slowness; a consideredness; a meditativeness about those fasting. I can imagine that if you are embedded in an extended family or community, who are all fasting, it can feel quite meditative, communally, and create a real togetherness. We didn’t really have this opportunity last year, as, although we enjoyed visiting my partner’s father regularly, we tended to keep to ourselves. The following year, Ramadan has taken place in lockdown due to the pandemic, so the communal aspects of Ramadan have been woefully absent this year, for everyone in Turkiye. I decided my way through this was to keep busy. Not hectic, but productive. That first day of emptiness, I made lists, planned out meals and hoovered the whole flat, having a nap in the afternoon. This time round, with my son at home all day, I clung to a strict routine for my son’s day so I could hang my routine off that. On reflection, however, I think keeping busy is a distraction tactic. And the aim of Ramadan is to use the time to be more introspective, reflective and, well, spiritual. It must be amazing for those who are able to achieve this.

Here is where I am going with all this:

You’ll notice I have not centred the article on the (now-trendy) health benefits of ‘intermittent fasting,’ because I think that is a bit of a distraction too. I am not trying to sell it to you, this isn’t a marketing exercise. There is no doubt that some kind of fasting routine is good for us physically,  particularly in relation to improving our immune system.  My partner describes it as an annual ‘reset’ for the body, which, through fasting during the day, is turned upside down, and then righted again, like an hour glass. You can read lots about the health benefits elsewhere.

But the experience taught me is that Ramadan is an annual reset, mentally, too. And, it is this on a societal level. The problems of abundance, excess and addiction, which are all interrelated, and are all abhorrent features of contemporary capitalism, are kept in check by Ramadan. This came across as the most important function, to me. Through the stripping away of daily routines of consumption, you are forced to observe the ways in which you might have more than you need. You are forced to be aware of ways you might have been behaving excessively; the things you absentmindedly possess in abundance; hoarding habits; addictive patterns of behaviour; everyday dependencies; what you are failing to share; whether it is about food, financially, or simply about accumulated ‘stuff’. It is no accident that Ramadan is also the time that you give to charity, and focus your efforts on helping others. The exercise of extreme discipline and self -control that fasting during Ramadan requires, is increasingly lacking in contemporary western society, where immediate gratification reigns supreme. Relationship to food are characterised by constant grazing on snacks; relationships to knowledge characterised by instant access to information; and relationships to entertainment characterised by every programme or series ever made, more or less, at our fingertips. It is a wonder we have any patience or self-control left. In western capitalist societies, the middle-classes at least, have too much in abundance and this largely remains unchecked year on year, as traditional Christian, pagan or historical festivals -Christmas, Easter, Thanks Giving for example – have simply been hi-jacked for commercial gain, and centre around buying, eating, drinking, and consuming yet more. Indeed, Ramadan is not immune to these forces either, as supermarkets and other retail outfits seize the opportunity to market goods to the Muslim consumer and make more money during this time. During Ramadan, those who have, can simply feast and gorge during the evening, after sunset. However it’s much harder to ignore/bury/misinterpret the message of Ramadan, if you truly adhere to its requirements, which, let’s face it, are pretty hardcore. This is definitely a festival that demands a great deal from you. And it is this experience  – of sacrifice – that encourages the reflection, change and growth that is so beneficial, on so many levels.

This blog post is dedicated to the people of Gaza who are imprisoned there, and are being starved to death this Ramadan. Free Palestine.

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